Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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