Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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