The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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