Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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