I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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