I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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