help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
