I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
