I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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