Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
did i walk over a car last night?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
