Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
