I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
