I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
