Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
