Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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