saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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