he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
