My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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