Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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