you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My balls are so social today.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
