He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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