Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
