Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize