Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I need a beard to bite.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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