So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
