My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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