her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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