I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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