And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
