She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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