I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
