Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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