and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize