If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
