i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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