you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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