I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
