apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
