So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
