Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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