I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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