It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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