I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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