the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
