I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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