I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
