so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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