i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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