And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize