i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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