these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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