So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
