Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
