I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
