So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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