Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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